In my dream last night, I was at some festival or concert in a field in the countryside next to what I think was supposed to be my house. There was a guy who had a giant pig kite that he was holding onto and seemed to be a bit hard for him to handle. The wind picked it up nicely, and it had a short string, because of the design…the short string seemed to make it actually fly better. The guy lost control of it and let go of the string, and the big kite began to soar on its own, lofting on the winds, which would take it higher. It would then swoop down in large scary loops, and as it did, I noticed that it was a really large kite with a really large pig on it. The pig was strapped to it, and it was clear later that it was dead and cooked, so more like a huge dead pig roast, and the wings of the kite stretched out on either side about four feet. So this 10-foot across heavy kite was on the loose, picking up the winds, and eventually swooped very close to the crowd’s heads near the amphitheater, where a symphony was playing. It crashed into the lights and scaffolding above the orchestra, and the falling debris, including the pig, almost killed them. Blood curdling screams could be heard from the musicians. No one was seriously hurt, and I pitched in with the clean up. Everyone was repulsed by me when I thought it fitting to start eating the roasted pig…it is a picnic, I thought. Next thing I knew, I was carrying pig pieces around with me and grossing even myself out as I was eating them. (Warning at this point for the vegan and vegetarian readers.) I was chompin’ on a pig leg, from the knee (do they have knees?) down. And I could really feel the hard-to-bite-through skin, slippery fat, and edible meat being discerned with my mouth. I started thinking about how the whole scene was just wrong and why I was eating a nauseatingly large and greasy amount of pig.
As all good dreams do, this one then switched scenes completely. It was vague what happened next, but it had to do with me packing up the old house or office and loading up a Winnebago. I’m pretty sure the man helping me was my dad in this dream. He was in an impatient mood, so I tried to speed things up. We roared out of the driveway of my place in the small town I had been living in, after I had packed up everything, which included old Barbie Christmas gifts. My dad was driving and almost knocked over some outdoor gas station appliances as we ripped through some shrubbery and nearly tipped in the driveway of a nearby gas station. The owner of the station got mad at my dad, and my dad was cursin’ out the owner.
And that’s pretty much where the dream ended. Now, I am trying to think about what it could have been about, but I’m not good at determining dream meaning. Instead, I will list what I ate, drank, and did last night: had some beers and such; then went to Las Canteras a Peruvian food place in Adams Morgan in Washington, DC, and had red wine, ceviche (and a beer with that), and a bit of papa a la huancaina, papa rellena, and avocado salad; for the main course had a Peruvian sampler of a yummy salad with olives in it, stuffed pepper, and tamale; for dessert we shared flan, lucma ice cream, and rice pudding; then we came home and all felt too stuffed to move, watched The Wire (first time I ever saw it), and passed out. So I’m not sure what interpretation we can apply to the dream, other than I ate so much during dinner that my mind didn’t want to stop eating in my dream. The dream’s choice of the pig also seems fitting, as it implies gluttonous, succulent eating. My dad’s cameo appearance was interesting. Perhaps he was there to say he would have loved Peruvian food and thinks I should move and go back down there. Not a bad idea.
January 30th, 2008
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Jessica |
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Estoy aqui en los estados unidos; no, espera, estoy aqui en el mundo. And I am well, if not a little bit crazy right now, like the title of this entry suggests.
I had a dream the other night about kissing Jaime Foxx and then seeing my dad (events not related). Yes, that’s right, I saw my dad, who’s been gone for over seven years now. These dreams of him have happened a handful of times over the past years, but it is always startling and takes many days of wishful, tearful, and thankful contemplation to adjust to seeing him again. I gave him a big hug and asked him where he has been. He replied that he has been at the apartment on campus, which is where we lived when I grew up until I was six. It was no small dream….I feel he came as if to say, “I’m here with you.” (No comment as to what the Jaime Fox appearance meant.) But, damn, it was soooooooooooo great to see my dad. I needed that hug.
I just came back from a night out with an old friend. Talking philosophically the whole time as we had been, I find it fitting that I turn to you to share my feelings. Let me vibe on them…
So many nights, I feel alone; so many nights, I feel at home; so many nights, I feel entwined, and it’s when I really sit still that I can feel fine. True, I continue on with my quest, even though there are others that think they know best. I try to state my point of view, as people talk on grasping to straws so few. It’s all just the same; it’s all just a game. We’re trying to live lives that aren’t in vain. To know that I hold a different mind can circumvent pressure and undermine time. Pushing away a certain tranquility is a mode that’s a road to self ability….so many nights…
So many nights.
So many nights.
(And I give props to Manu Chao* for his propensity.)
*If you are not familiar with Manu Chao, he’s a musical artist with tracks in Spanish, French, Portuguese, English, and Arabic (with perhaps others) and is worth giving listen to, if you are one for the electronic music scene. He uses live instruments too, and I have a compilation mix that has been rockin’ my world for over a month now. Email me about him if you’re curious.
I told you once, I told you twice…
January 17th, 2008
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Jessica |
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I’ve been back home in Connecticut in the northeast of the United States for three weeks now. Feels like no time has passed here and all is more or less the same. Great to see my family and friends. Been talking a bit about my trip, but not as much as I thought I’d be. I kind of sit back and wait for people to ask me about it, then I get so excited when I do tell stories that everything gushes out in a smiley incoherent mess. And when I volunteer information (comparisons of every day life things or comments that start off with “In Peru…”) I feel a bit self conscious and almost bad–I figure no one wants to hear about a fabulous three months without work while they were stuck here, and fear they would consider me a braggart. Perhaps I’m still processing it all and will find a way to best share my experiences.
I had a peaceful family-filled Christmas up further north, in Vermont, at my brother’s house. It was fun watching my niece and nephews open up their gifts. They are the cutest. And I was excited to see everyone open up my presets for them from South America. For the most part I was right on with most of my gift ideas. The most creative idea was probably the dart blow gun from brazil, a bamboo tube that connects in three parts and has a holster of six feather-ended light-weight wood darts. Stick a dart in one end, blow as hard as you can, and a dart shoots out and sticks into fabric (or, theoretically, skin). Think opening scene from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arch (or Temple of Doom, can’t remember which is correct). Pretty cool gift, ay?
Had a great night on New Year’s Eve too. Met up with old high shcool buddies and some new friends too. Started the night with a house party at a big ol’ cool apartment with a pool table and instruments set up ready for jammin’. Stayed ’til just before the ball dropped and then met those old friends out a bar/restaurant that is one of my regular spots in New Haven. Danced to songs that I had long forgotten and secretly vowed never to dance to again like “The Humpty Hump” and “You Down with OPP?”–being surrounded by other dancing fools made me feel a little less foolish. We were all dressed up too…like real adults. Haven’t seen everyone looking that snazzy in a long time, if ever. Last year’s New Year’s resolution was one word: balance. And I more or less achieved that in some ways in 2007. This year’s resolution is only one word again: patience.
Patience is what I need the most of right now. I’ve been frustrated a lot in the past few weeks as I adjust to my CT surroundings once again, which were tough to adjust to when I first moved back here in July. After living more or less alone for ten years, it is not always easy being part of a household again. I have a ton of ideas about what I want to do right now, which include writing, performing, recording, and studying, but I find myself getting caught up in the need to improve my physical environment. This old house has many projects that have been neglected for years, and I almost feel I cannot move forward with my personal goals until those are finished. Friends and my mom are reminding me that I can’t lose sight of what I want to do with my life, but I find it so much easier to focus on helping others before helping myself, which has been a sometimes debilitating theme during my whole life.
It’s tough to really know what you want. Well, maybe it’s easy for some, but I’m the type of person who wants to do many things and has the perhaps unrealistic idea that they’re all possible. I think you can do a lot of things in life, but the success of achieving goals is diminished with the more goals you pile on. And I’m stubborn, so when someone, even myself, says I can’t do something, I want to do that thing even more. So this is where I reflect on the 2008 resolution. Patience is going to help me get through the recent daily frustration I feel here in the US. I seem to walk around here a bit pissed off, and perhaps I’m being a whiney baby. I just had three months of selfishness, or deservedness (depending on how you look at it), and now I have to face reality. The reality is money doesn’t grow on trees, the world is still a fucked up place, and change needs to happen personally and externally for me to feel okay with this crazy life we all share.
I find myself still asking the answerless question…what is the point of life? I bet there are some friends out there that just roll their eyes and say, “Same ol’ Jess,” when reading that question, but I believe it is one that has and will continue to define what I do with my time. Happy to say that I think I’ve actually gotten closer to the answer, and my trip down south helped me a great deal with that. I will not depart any words of wisdom yet, as there are no words to describe this answer, which is really more of a sensation right now. There are some keys that are starting to help me unlock the mystery of life: people and our pulses; nature, specifically the sky, wind, sun, and moon; and luck. Hard to elaborate, so that’s all for now.
I wish everyone a Happy New Year. Hope all your respective holidays were/are festive as well. I’ll be spending a week or so in Washington, DC at the end of January. If you feel like visiting Connecticut, we’ve got a bed with your butt’s name on it. Peace and love to you!
January 9th, 2008
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Jessica |
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