Back in the US and Happy New Year!
I’ve been back home in Connecticut in the northeast of the United States for three weeks now. Feels like no time has passed here and all is more or less the same. Great to see my family and friends. Been talking a bit about my trip, but not as much as I thought I’d be. I kind of sit back and wait for people to ask me about it, then I get so excited when I do tell stories that everything gushes out in a smiley incoherent mess. And when I volunteer information (comparisons of every day life things or comments that start off with “In Peru…”) I feel a bit self conscious and almost bad–I figure no one wants to hear about a fabulous three months without work while they were stuck here, and fear they would consider me a braggart. Perhaps I’m still processing it all and will find a way to best share my experiences.
I had a peaceful family-filled Christmas up further north, in Vermont, at my brother’s house. It was fun watching my niece and nephews open up their gifts. They are the cutest. And I was excited to see everyone open up my presets for them from South America. For the most part I was right on with most of my gift ideas. The most creative idea was probably the dart blow gun from brazil, a bamboo tube that connects in three parts and has a holster of six feather-ended light-weight wood darts. Stick a dart in one end, blow as hard as you can, and a dart shoots out and sticks into fabric (or, theoretically, skin). Think opening scene from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arch (or Temple of Doom, can’t remember which is correct). Pretty cool gift, ay?
Had a great night on New Year’s Eve too. Met up with old high shcool buddies and some new friends too. Started the night with a house party at a big ol’ cool apartment with a pool table and instruments set up ready for jammin’. Stayed ’til just before the ball dropped and then met those old friends out a bar/restaurant that is one of my regular spots in New Haven. Danced to songs that I had long forgotten and secretly vowed never to dance to again like “The Humpty Hump” and “You Down with OPP?”–being surrounded by other dancing fools made me feel a little less foolish. We were all dressed up too…like real adults. Haven’t seen everyone looking that snazzy in a long time, if ever. Last year’s New Year’s resolution was one word: balance. And I more or less achieved that in some ways in 2007. This year’s resolution is only one word again: patience.
Patience is what I need the most of right now. I’ve been frustrated a lot in the past few weeks as I adjust to my CT surroundings once again, which were tough to adjust to when I first moved back here in July. After living more or less alone for ten years, it is not always easy being part of a household again. I have a ton of ideas about what I want to do right now, which include writing, performing, recording, and studying, but I find myself getting caught up in the need to improve my physical environment. This old house has many projects that have been neglected for years, and I almost feel I cannot move forward with my personal goals until those are finished. Friends and my mom are reminding me that I can’t lose sight of what I want to do with my life, but I find it so much easier to focus on helping others before helping myself, which has been a sometimes debilitating theme during my whole life.
It’s tough to really know what you want. Well, maybe it’s easy for some, but I’m the type of person who wants to do many things and has the perhaps unrealistic idea that they’re all possible. I think you can do a lot of things in life, but the success of achieving goals is diminished with the more goals you pile on. And I’m stubborn, so when someone, even myself, says I can’t do something, I want to do that thing even more. So this is where I reflect on the 2008 resolution. Patience is going to help me get through the recent daily frustration I feel here in the US. I seem to walk around here a bit pissed off, and perhaps I’m being a whiney baby. I just had three months of selfishness, or deservedness (depending on how you look at it), and now I have to face reality. The reality is money doesn’t grow on trees, the world is still a fucked up place, and change needs to happen personally and externally for me to feel okay with this crazy life we all share.
I find myself still asking the answerless question…what is the point of life? I bet there are some friends out there that just roll their eyes and say, “Same ol’ Jess,” when reading that question, but I believe it is one that has and will continue to define what I do with my time. Happy to say that I think I’ve actually gotten closer to the answer, and my trip down south helped me a great deal with that. I will not depart any words of wisdom yet, as there are no words to describe this answer, which is really more of a sensation right now. There are some keys that are starting to help me unlock the mystery of life: people and our pulses; nature, specifically the sky, wind, sun, and moon; and luck. Hard to elaborate, so that’s all for now.
I wish everyone a Happy New Year. Hope all your respective holidays were/are festive as well. I’ll be spending a week or so in Washington, DC at the end of January. If you feel like visiting Connecticut, we’ve got a bed with your butt’s name on it. Peace and love to you!
